chris erdman

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So, when you come to the Wall, you will need to cooperate with the crisis as a gift of grace, as painful as it may be, as demonic as it may seem. For behind it (while not necessarily orchestrating it) is the Hand of God, guiding you to a new awakening to your life in Christ.

Again, as in Stage Four (in fact, all the higher or deeper stages), you will need guidance, spiritual direction from a competent friend, counselor, or pastor—someone who’s not threatened by your questions and frustrations, who won’t try to fix you, but who knows there’s a mystery at work within you and who can hold you in faith as you journey forward past your fears into the newness of God. But here at the Wall, it’s your spiritual practices, especially interior prayer, meditation, and contemplation that will see you through to the new you that awaits you on the other side.

When you emerge from this confrontation stripped down, leaner, cleaner, and more open to love—and if you have found a way to release your need for control and to play God—you will be able to say: “What I thought, I needed I don’t really need. What I was sure I couldn’t live without, I can live without. With God alone I am content.” You will be able to say with Jesus, “Lord, not my will but yours be done” (Luke 22.42), and with Mary, “Let it be with me according to your word” (Luke 1.38). This is true spiritual freedom and readies you for the new outward engagement with mission and ministry that is Stage Five.

Facing the Wall doesn’t mean that you’re now free from the impediments and distractions, the temptations and seductions that hinder your relationship with God. But it does mean that you now know how to face them when they come.

to be continued . . .

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At some point, usually initiated by a personal crisis or some other challenge, you will be brought face to face with a confrontation between your will and God’s. Some have called this experience, “The Wall” (see Janet Hagberg and Robert Guelich in their book, The Critical Journey).

In this confrontation, a subtle idolatry is exposed—an idolatry you’ve been able to cover up until now, that’s remained hidden from your eyes, thought you’ve been bumping into it for quite some time. The idolatry is this: you want God so long as you can have God on your terms, so long as you really don’t have to change in the deep places of your life, so long as you ultimately remain in control. This is, in St Paul’s words, “Having a form of godliness but denying its power” (2 Timothy 3.5). It is the avoidance of the Cross of Christ. You can believe in all the Cross teaches about sin and salvation, but mere belief isn’t what the Cross is all about. The Cross aims at your salvation, your transformation, your death and resurrection spiritually. You must experience the Cross yourself.

When you hit the Wall spiritually, the Cross is no longer an idea or doctrine, something that happened to Jesus long ago. You are united with Christ in his death, and you—if you walk the way of the Cross—will be united with him in his resurrection. Here you release your ego, your false and fallen self, which has tried to play God for too long now. And if you do, you will awakened to a face of God that you’ve not known up to this point, a depth of intimacy you’ve only longed for.

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The fourth stage in the spiritual journey will carry you deeper into your heart. At Stage Four, you’re invited by the Holy Spirit to turn inward in order to awaken to the depth of interior intimacy with the Holy Trinity. This doesn’t mean you’ve not tasted God until now. But it does mean that your relationship is moving to a different level. At this stage, you’re discovering God all over again. I wrote extensively about this stage last month’s newsletter.

Stage Four, “Second Awakening,” is a deepening of your experience of the presence of God, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. As in any relationship, there are real challenges as the relationship matures. You are not yet who God’s destined you to be and God is different from what you once thought God to be.

This tension can cause disillusionment with God, church, and yourself.

Disillusionment with God doesn’t mean God is insufficient or the church is failing you; it means, rather, that you must change, and change doesn’t come easily because you are now coming face to face with the impediments that stand between you and the God who loves you.

In the posts that follow, I’ll describe an experience you will inevitably have at some point as you move through your “Second Awakening.”

to be continued . . .

You’ll need at least three things to more forward through stage four.

First, an awareness that there is a stage beyond Service and Leadership, because without it you’ll think something’s gone terribly wrong.

Second, patience and compassion with yourself because this stage can be extremely disorienting, even frightening.

And third, a spiritual friendship with someone who is unthreatened by your questions and your expressions of frustration, someone who won’t try to fix you, but who understands God’s mysterious ways enough to hold you in faith, helping you believe that God is meeting you in the midst of your experience.

A sure sign that you’re moving through this stage is the presence of an expanding sense of love, for love is the only thing that can lead you along these later stages of spiritual growth.

To be continued . . .

In these last few posts I’m describing the fourth stage of spiritual growth.

It’s a stage of profound growth that requires competent spiritual guidance. The loosening of old certainties is not a loss of your faith, but an invitation toward deeper, though different conviction. Your search for direction and meaning in life doesn’t need to lead you away from the church but can lead you into a deeper life of faith. Your disillusionment with God or religion isn’t a sign of their insufficiency or failure; rather, it signals the necessary break from static attachments and religiosity so that you can open up to a new experience of spiritual abundance through faith. This, in turn, leads you to new expressions of service that flow from inextinguishable inner resources rather than from the shoulds and oughts of duty or obligation, or the zeal of newfound enthusiasm.

Along this path, you’ll need the guidance of a soul friend to help you keep your bearings.

To be continued . . .

In my last post, I wrote that most churches place stage three, “Service and Leadership” at the pinnacle of the Christian life. But if you’ve followed this series of posts, you’ll know that stage three is not even half way along the path of what historic Christianity has understood to be the path to spiritual maturity.

That journey leads from First Awakening, through Believing and Belonging, and into Service and Leadership. But it doesn’t end there. There comes a point when the Holy Spirit invites a disciple to turn inward again in order to awaken to the depths of interior intimacy with the Holy Trinity.

It’s a stage of discovering God all over again.

Sadly, without direction and insight, many who experience this invitation to the deeper life believe instead that they’re losing their faith; they become disillusioned with God or they blame the church for not meeting their needs.

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A mature and involved Christian once came to me privately and asked, “Isn’t there more to the Christian life than this?” Here was an elder, active in ministry, highly competent at work, well-established and respected, but who came to a point where all these things tasted like straw, felt empty, no longer life giving.

Too often those who begin to experience this arid, desert like experience in their spiritual lives ignore it and keep doing what they’re doing until they just run out of steam. Sometimes they find another cause that energizes them, or they become angry and frustrated about things at church or the denomination, and this too energizes them. But this new energy dissipates after a while and unless they find something new to excite them for awhile, that nagging sense of emptiness returns. Others figure they’re facing some kind of burnout, and they drop out of commitments that no longer nourish or satisfy and they find themselves drifting spiritually.

Too few explore their experience with a pastor or spiritual friend or director. If they did, and that friend was seasoned enough to discern the work of the Holy Spirit in the person’s life, they’d learn that rather than a problem to get through by working harder, or burnout that requires them to drop out, what they’re experiencing is a genuine sign of an invitation from God to move into a new stage of spiritual growth: stage four, or what I call “Second Awakening.”

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In many churches this stage is the pinnacle of the Christian life. In fact, popular books like “The Purpose Driven Life” make it sound like this stage is the goal of the Christian life. Unfamiliar with the history of Christian spirituality and growth, popular movements mistakenly bring Christians to stage three and leave them there. But there are four more stages, and unless disciples are aware of them, what can be a new awakening to faith becomes a debilitating crisis.

The next stage, stage four in Christian growth, is what I call “The Second Awakening.” It is a stage of profound growth, but is often misunderstood. Those who’ve served long and faithfully come to the point where they ask, “Isn’t there something more?” And if they don’t know that this new search is a sign of the Holy Spirit’s nudging them to a deepening of their faith experience, they may grow frustrated with their faith and drop out of church; sometimes they abandon their faith entirely. But this is just the beginning of a holy new movement of grace in their lives.

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I call the third stage of spiritual growth “Service and Leadership.” The first stage is “First Awakening,” and the second, “Believing and Belonging.” I’ve written about the first two in previous posts.

When you first awaken to God it’s as if you’ve risen from a long night’s sleep. Something has stirred you and you begin to seek God. If you move beyond this stage, you enter a community where you learn what it means to believe and belong.

You can get stuck in both stages–stuck and unable to move beyond awakening because your awareness of God can make you feel so terribly guilty and unworthy that you can’t imagine God can love you. You can get stuck in the second stage if you become infatuated with doctrinal debates or worry that you can never know enough. But if you grow in a healthy way and move from awakening and into believing and belonging, you will eventually grow into a new season of service and leadership. During this season, you become highly involved in ministries of compassion or administration, evangelism or justice. You might serve on a committee, volunteer for the choir or as a Sunday School teacher, engage in a service or mission project, train as a minister, respond to a call for missionary service, or become an elder or deacon. You are, of course, still learning about the Christian faith, and may sense a real vibrancy to your growth.

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There are several ways you might get stuck in stage two and fail to move on. First, you might become zealous about doctrine. It’s interesting and fun to learn about Christian theology. It can also give you a sense of power. If you understand, say, the Reformed Tradition better than others, or if you learn exegetical Bible study methods, or study New Testament Greek, you can feel like you’ve got the upper hand in doctrinal debates. Your knowledge can become a source of pride and a tool you can use to prove others wrong and give yourself a sense of superiority. Alternatively, you might feel you never can know enough; driven by perfectionism you may find yourself always learning and never doing much with what you know.

Second, you might come to the place where you love your small group or circle of friends so much that that warmth becomes not only a source of comfort, but a way to exclude others and keep yourself from growth. Most of us don’t like change and so, once we know what we think we need to know and have Christian friends we enjoy, we simply stop growing. But Christian growth requires discomfort. In order to grow you need to do something with what you believe in order to let the Holy Spirit teach you more. In order to grow, you need to step out of your comfortable circle and serve among others and find the Holy Spirit growing you through challenging experiences and relationships.

If you do, you will move into stage three: “Service and Leadership,” and this will open up to you a whole new experience in your spiritual journey into the fullness of Jesus Christ.

To be continued . . .