chris erdman

Below is an email exchange with a reader. He’s given permission to post these notes. I thought it would be helpful for you to hear about another reader’s journey into the prayer of the heart . . .

Dear Chris;

I write to say “thank you” for the encouragement I have received from your honest reflections in the downloadable eBook Returning to the Center. I sincerely hope that part 2 is available before too long. Is the entire book available anywhere? I have, so far, been unsuccessful in my web-searches I arrived at your website, and the above eBook, after reading comments about you and your work in Alan Roxburgh’s book Missional Map-Making and found that your writing spoke directly to the kind of journey I seem to be making at present. It is a journey into prayer of the heart – and I am experiencing all the many distractions, of which you speak.

Kind Regards

Peter

Dear Peter;

Thank you for your thoughtful note. Alas, part two is on hold for quite awhile. I’m working on another book on prayer now. Part two of my memoir requires some maturing before I can write honestly about the years since the first part ended. It’ll be out someday, but not soon enough for you. My advice is to simply practice the Jesus Prayer. That sounds so terribly unhelpful, I realize. There are several books that you might find helpful. Here’s a little list: Prayer in the Cave of the Heart, Cyprian Consiglio; Word Into Silence, John Main; The Cloud of Unknowing with the Book of Privy Counsel, a new translation by Carmen Aceveo Butcher (soooo excellent!); John Main: The Expanding Vision, ed. by Laurence Freeman and Stefan Reynolds, Prayer, Abhishiktananda.

The key is to simply practice what you know. Too many of us spend too much time reading and casting around for help when the help is as near as the beating of our hearts, close as our next breath. The ego doesn’t want to admit that though and will keep disturbing you. Your chief work is to simply learn to step around the ego through contemplative practice. It’ll learn to relax and “stand down” eventually. But it must learn, first that your serious and second, that stepping around it (the ego) isn’t about its destruction, but its salvation. The recitation of the Name, along with the breath, will bath your ego in love and over the long haul it’ll learn to trust that it doesn’t always have to be in charge [smile].

Blessings your life and ministry, brother.

Chris

Dear Chris;

I have simply devoured your eBook. In my imagination, and feeling similarly spread rather too thinly like butter over toast (wonderful metaphor!), I accompanied you to the Wadi Natroun, to Iona, and finally Oxford; each places of great significance and interest to me. I have not yet read Merton, though I am aware of him through other writers. I am learning from your journey that the spiritual journey is a shared one, even though the physical one may never be a reality for me. You reiterated in your email that the key was realizing that the answers were as close as “the beating of our hearts, close as our next breath.” And you are so right about the ego, with its clamouring voices, as one intentionally sets about cultivating contemplative practices. This is precisely my experience too.

Regards, and God bless you.

Peter

Continued from previous posts:

So, when you come to the Wall, you will need to cooperate with the crisis as a gift of grace, as painful as it may be, as demonic as it may seem. For behind it (while not necessarily orchestrating it) is the Hand of God, guiding you to a new awakening to your life in Christ.

Again, as in Stage Four (in fact, all the higher or deeper stages), you will need guidance, spiritual direction from a competent friend, counselor, or pastor—someone who’s not threatened by your questions and frustrations, who won’t try to fix you, but who knows there’s a mystery at work within you and who can hold you in faith as you journey forward past your fears into the newness of God. But here at the Wall, it’s your spiritual practices, especially interior prayer, meditation, and contemplation that will see you through to the new you that awaits you on the other side.

When you emerge from this confrontation stripped down, leaner, cleaner, and more open to love—and if you have found a way to release your need for control and to play God—you will be able to say: “What I thought, I needed I don’t really need. What I was sure I couldn’t live without, I can live without. With God alone I am content.” You will be able to say with Jesus, “Lord, not my will but yours be done” (Luke 22.42), and with Mary, “Let it be with me according to your word” (Luke 1.38). This is true spiritual freedom and readies you for the new outward engagement with mission and ministry that is Stage Five.

Facing the Wall doesn’t mean that you’re now free from the impediments and distractions, the temptations and seductions that hinder your relationship with God. But it does mean that you now know how to face them when they come.

to be continued . . .

Continued from previous posts

At some point, usually initiated by a personal crisis or some other challenge, you will be brought face to face with a confrontation between your will and God’s. Some have called this experience, “The Wall” (see Janet Hagberg and Robert Guelich in their book, The Critical Journey).

In this confrontation, a subtle idolatry is exposed—an idolatry you’ve been able to cover up until now, that’s remained hidden from your eyes, thought you’ve been bumping into it for quite some time. The idolatry is this: you want God so long as you can have God on your terms, so long as you really don’t have to change in the deep places of your life, so long as you ultimately remain in control. This is, in St Paul’s words, “Having a form of godliness but denying its power” (2 Timothy 3.5). It is the avoidance of the Cross of Christ. You can believe in all the Cross teaches about sin and salvation, but mere belief isn’t what the Cross is all about. The Cross aims at your salvation, your transformation, your death and resurrection spiritually. You must experience the Cross yourself.

When you hit the Wall spiritually, the Cross is no longer an idea or doctrine, something that happened to Jesus long ago. You are united with Christ in his death, and you—if you walk the way of the Cross—will be united with him in his resurrection. Here you release your ego, your false and fallen self, which has tried to play God for too long now. And if you do, you will awakened to a face of God that you’ve not known up to this point, a depth of intimacy you’ve only longed for.

to be continued . . .

Continued from previous posts

The fourth stage in the spiritual journey will carry you deeper into your heart. At Stage Four, you’re invited by the Holy Spirit to turn inward in order to awaken to the depth of interior intimacy with the Holy Trinity. This doesn’t mean you’ve not tasted God until now. But it does mean that your relationship is moving to a different level. At this stage, you’re discovering God all over again. I wrote extensively about this stage last month’s newsletter.

Stage Four, “Second Awakening,” is a deepening of your experience of the presence of God, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. As in any relationship, there are real challenges as the relationship matures. You are not yet who God’s destined you to be and God is different from what you once thought God to be.

This tension can cause disillusionment with God, church, and yourself.

Disillusionment with God doesn’t mean God is insufficient or the church is failing you; it means, rather, that you must change, and change doesn’t come easily because you are now coming face to face with the impediments that stand between you and the God who loves you.

In the posts that follow, I’ll describe an experience you will inevitably have at some point as you move through your “Second Awakening.”

to be continued . . .

In these last few posts I’m describing the fourth stage of spiritual growth.

It’s a stage of profound growth that requires competent spiritual guidance. The loosening of old certainties is not a loss of your faith, but an invitation toward deeper, though different conviction. Your search for direction and meaning in life doesn’t need to lead you away from the church but can lead you into a deeper life of faith. Your disillusionment with God or religion isn’t a sign of their insufficiency or failure; rather, it signals the necessary break from static attachments and religiosity so that you can open up to a new experience of spiritual abundance through faith. This, in turn, leads you to new expressions of service that flow from inextinguishable inner resources rather than from the shoulds and oughts of duty or obligation, or the zeal of newfound enthusiasm.

Along this path, you’ll need the guidance of a soul friend to help you keep your bearings.

To be continued . . .

In my last post, I wrote that most churches place stage three, “Service and Leadership” at the pinnacle of the Christian life. But if you’ve followed this series of posts, you’ll know that stage three is not even half way along the path of what historic Christianity has understood to be the path to spiritual maturity.

That journey leads from First Awakening, through Believing and Belonging, and into Service and Leadership. But it doesn’t end there. There comes a point when the Holy Spirit invites a disciple to turn inward again in order to awaken to the depths of interior intimacy with the Holy Trinity.

It’s a stage of discovering God all over again.

Sadly, without direction and insight, many who experience this invitation to the deeper life believe instead that they’re losing their faith; they become disillusioned with God or they blame the church for not meeting their needs.

To be continued . . .

Continued from previous posts:

In many churches this stage is the pinnacle of the Christian life. In fact, popular books like “The Purpose Driven Life” make it sound like this stage is the goal of the Christian life. Unfamiliar with the history of Christian spirituality and growth, popular movements mistakenly bring Christians to stage three and leave them there. But there are four more stages, and unless disciples are aware of them, what can be a new awakening to faith becomes a debilitating crisis.

The next stage, stage four in Christian growth, is what I call “The Second Awakening.” It is a stage of profound growth, but is often misunderstood. Those who’ve served long and faithfully come to the point where they ask, “Isn’t there something more?” And if they don’t know that this new search is a sign of the Holy Spirit’s nudging them to a deepening of their faith experience, they may grow frustrated with their faith and drop out of church; sometimes they abandon their faith entirely. But this is just the beginning of a holy new movement of grace in their lives.

To be continued . . .

I don’t think I have anything worthwhile to say unless it comes out of the deep silence.

From a note to myself when my sons were in their late teens.  I was struggling as a father to give them the direction they needed while learning to step away and let them find their path.  Never as easy dance!  But parents must learn to adjust parenting approaches as kids develop.  That adjustment requires a spirituality that enables the shifts to take place, an experience of prayerfulness that make releasing our kids possible:

Why do I try to manage the path my sons take? Managing them isn’t really about them; it’s about me. I’m only projecting my anxiety upon them, fueling their self-doubt, their resentment. Their life is their life, not mine. What they most need is my love, my confidence and wisdom when they ask for it, my presence when they approach me.   So, don’t answer questions they’re not asking. Don’t do for them what they don’t want done. Don’t suggest what’s not on their minds. And don’t protect them from their mistakes—even their serious ones. Remember your youth. remember that you’ve not learned anything worth learning without pain. Tend to your own life, prayerfulness, wholeness—your own path. There’s enough work in that alone. Love what is, not what should be, could be, or would be if only . . . .  Crucifiy your illusions, idolatries, ideals. Delight instead in everything here and now. This is life. You have no other.

They know your values. They know what works, even if they’re unconscious to it now. Let them fail and put their own practices into play, learning their own values—which may or may not be yours. That is success. But keep pushing and demanding, and you’ll not only push them away, you’ll cripple them.  Do what you want and need to do. No more. And keep watch over your wounds that can quickly turn to stifling, oppressive demands that make us all into losers.

Crucify idealism. Learn to love what is, not what could be, should be, or would be.

This is freedom.